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Okay, one more: Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

Note: The vast majority of these were made up by others. I think I posted this back at orbitaldiamonds and asterisked the ones that I did make up myself. I found various lists on LJ back when I lived in Alaska (so between 2007 and 2010) and I have no idea who came up with the idea of making a Hogwarts Skippy List or any of the people who made these suggestions. Anyhow, enjoy!

Things I Am No Longer Allowed to Do at Hogwarts

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Stolen blatantly from this person's LiveJournal, picked out my favorites, and edited for spelling, grammar, and in a few cases, content.
Entries in green are ones I thought up while compiling this list.
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 No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
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Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology."
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"I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
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The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
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I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore."
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Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
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If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
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Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
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Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms."
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I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends."
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I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends."
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I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts.
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I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
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I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.
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I am not a sloth Animagus.
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I am not a tribble Animagus.
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I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
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I do not weigh the same as a duck.
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I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
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Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.
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I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty."
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There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
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Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
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I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
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I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
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It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
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It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
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I am not to owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
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I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End."
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I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
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My name is not Captain Subtext.
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Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheromones."
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Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword.
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I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a "Big Black Sex Auror."
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I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.
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-Nor can I cast Ice 9 or Ultima.
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I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.
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The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any hentai film.
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It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".
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Professor Flitwick's first name in not Yoda.
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I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.
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-Or any other Slytherin.
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I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.
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-Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.
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-I am not a Professor, at all.
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I am no longer allowed in the student laundry.
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-Or the teacher laundry.
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Nor am I allowed to ever cast an Invisibility charm again.
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While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.
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It is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.
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I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two way mirrors as a Christmas present.
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-Especially if I don't tell her what it is.
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Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled firewhiskey.
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-Charming the label does not change anything.
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I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.
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-Even if I brought enough for everyone.
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-Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.
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Peeves may not countermand any of my professors' or prefects' orders.
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Chemistry and Potions don't mix.
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-Testing this last is not funny.
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Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.
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May not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.
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I may not speak Latin in front of the books.
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The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."
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May not insinuate that all beautiful American exchange students to Gryffindor or Slytherin House in Harry Potter's Year are Lockhart's misbegotten heirs, even if it's true.
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When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent.
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-Especially if I can't.
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If someone's House Badge is green and mine is purple, it means they are in Slytherin House. It does not mean "The Sorting Hat thinks they're dumber than me."
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Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.
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First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
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Hagrid does not have sex with magical creatures, I should stop implying that he does.
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House Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts menu, neither is Niffler Curry, so I should stop asking.
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I am not allowed to claim Draco Malfoy is suffering from "blue balls."
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-Not even if I loaded his jock with woad.
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It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.
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I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.
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My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."
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When given a directive by my house prefect, I should not insist that "we don't need no stinking badges."
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First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.
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House ghosts do not regularly "slime" anyone.
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Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.
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I will not suggest that Professor Trelawney is "talking out of her arse."
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My wand does not vibrate.
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There is no "open mic night" at Hogwarts.
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The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.
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I will not tell the Muggle-born first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.
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I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.
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I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design."
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The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.
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Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera."
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I should not refer to Defense Against the Dark Arts professors as "canaries in the coal mine."
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I will not put books of Muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
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I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the Weekly World News.
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I will not cover myself in ectoplasm and walk out of a fireplace, saying I took the "Flu Network".
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There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
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I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.
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I will not refer to the accio charm as "The Force."
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A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.
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Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy."
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Professor Flitwick has heard all the "swish and flick" jokes before, and is very, very tired of them.
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The Giant Squid is not interested in starring in tentacle porn movies.
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I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas.
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Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.
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I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.
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I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.
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-Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger.
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Not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.
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-Not allowed to lock anyone in a closet to see if any kind of sex will occur.
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"Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
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Neither is "Fire in the hole!"
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I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as the Wicked Witch of the West.
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He who should not be named is not the artist formerly known as Prince and I will not tell first years such.
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Lucius Malfoy is not my "sugar daddy" and I will not claim he is.
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-That goes double when Draco Malfoy is within earshot.
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A Time-Turner is not a flux capacitor, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.
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My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.
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No part of the school uniform is edible.
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-Not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.
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Never, ever, attempt to correct Professor Moody about anything.
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The following words and phrases may not be used near any Slytherins or Gryffindors, as Madam Pomfrey has enough work without adding an aneurysm epidemic to her workload: budding sexuality, sexual lubrication, all Gryffindors are latent homosexuals, all Slytherins are blatant homosexuals, slut puppy, or any references to the Giant Squid.
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Will not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures.
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-Especially not if I actually have them.
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If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
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I may not challenge prefects to “Meet me on the Quidditch field, at dawn.”
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-Or anyone else, for that matter.
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I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.
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I should not show up at the front gate wearing part of another houses uniform, messily drunk.
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-Even if my prefect did it.
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Do not dare first years to eat bugs. They will always do it.
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I will not hand red shirts to the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor and claim that they're the standard uniform for the position.
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I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.
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-Or any other orifice, for that matter.
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I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."
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The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'my lord Cthulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon.
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The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop insinuating that he is.
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Professor Snape is not and never has been a 'sexy bitch.'
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I am not to sing "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz"' when sent to the Headmaster's office.
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The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.
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'Not enough room to swing a cat in here' is a Muggle saying, not a testable hypothesis.
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-Especially not with Mrs. Norris.
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I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently.
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-Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.
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I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.
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I will not try to convert my housemates to Christianity.
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-Or Wicca.
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-This does not mean that my religious rights are being violated.
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I am not allowed to hit bludgers at spectators.
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-Or the referee.
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There is indeed a spoon.
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The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartasses and the Junior Death Eaters.
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Albus Dumbledore is not my own personal Jesus.
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Professor Snape did not kill my father and does not deserve to die.
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Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed.
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-Or under his robe.
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I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens.'
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I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.
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Professor Snape's problem is not that "he needs to get laid."
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Draco Malfoy is not a ferret Animagus.
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Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of Muggle firearms.
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Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.
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I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.
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I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.
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I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.
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The fact that there are only three Unforgivable Curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable."
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I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
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I am not allowed to forget my Omnioculars in either the boys' or the girl's bathroom. Especially not while they are in recording mode.
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I am not allowed to give Professor Trelawney a book on trepanning.
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I am not allowed to say "gesundheit" every time someone mentions Quidditch.
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Attempting to create real tribbles is expressly forbidden. Especially if it is for extra credit in the Care of Magical Creatures.
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Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.
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The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.
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Professor Moriarty does not teach at Hogwarts.
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"Professor Trelawney predicted that I would die in her next class" is not sufficient reason to suspect that she is planning to kill you.
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Though Mr. Filch does order in a lot of Chianti and Fava beans, he does not normally eat children.
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Sesame Street is not the American equivalent of Diagon Alley.
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I am not to tell Nearly Headless Nick that he'd forget his head if it wasn't attached, as that is cruel.
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I am not to tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights of Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have my friends/other people to call, "Ni!" from various directions.
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Draco Malfoy is not a vampire.
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My hat is not a suitable place for storing firewhiskey.
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I cannot be a Heffalump Animagus.
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I cannot refer to Cornelius Fudge as the "Minister of Silly Walks."
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I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix.
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Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and reassembled inside Snape's classroom.
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Quidditch is not Calvinball, and the score is not 'Q to 12' when I'm doing the commentary.
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I will not ask anyone if they are "fucking serious" and then giggle madly when they reply in the affirmative.
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Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.
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Robes are not optional.
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I will not fly under the influence of butterbeer.
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Asking the Weasley twins, "So do you do everything together?" is ill-advised.
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-So is asking if Lee Jordan is "the top."
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It is uncouth to ask Ginny Weasley if the carpet matches the drapes.
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Telling Lucius Malfoy what he could do with his staff... is not advisable.
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-Less advisable if it involves anything sexual with Professor Snape.
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Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny.
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-Even if Luna Lovegood does say "Yes, I thought so too."
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I am not a Balrog Animagus.
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- ...Either of them.
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Nor do I have the master plan.
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I will not write to Amnesty International asking them to support elf rights.
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I will not pester Hermione to join MENSA.
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I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwarts's smartest student is in another house.
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Neil Gaiman is not spying on us.
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I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of argument.
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Hebrew is an acceptable substitute for Latin. Esperanto is not.
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If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated.
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-Ditto: Henry the VIII I am; This is a song that never ends; or One-sextillion mugs of butterbeer on the wall.
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-Or any folksong that starts out "innocent enough."
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An "Irish Mudslide" (Bailey's, Kahlua, ice cream, and chocolate syrup) will not get you extra credit in Potions.
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My name is not Valentine Michael Smith, even if I can make my clothes disappear.
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I am not bonded to any fire lizards, and claiming that I am and that they are on a mating flight does not excuse that sort of behavior in public.
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-Or in private.
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I will not stack Professor Trelawney's tarot deck so that the first five cards are The Devil, The Tower, The Hanged Man, Judgment and Death.
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-I will not play poker or bridge with Professor Trelawney's tarot deck.
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I will not try to pass Monopoly money as Muggle currency.
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The Church of the Subgenius is not the dominant religion in the United States.
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I am not to tell Muggle-born first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.
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I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
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I will not roll a d20 to see if my spell has worked or not.
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If the new DADA teacher gives his name as "Dr. John Smith" or simply "The Doctor", prepare for the worst including but not limited to alien invasion, time travel and a possible apocalypse.
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I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Lord Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.
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Leaving a vase filled with pussy willow buds on Professor McGonagall's desk will result in a week's detention.
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I will not wear a corset and fishnets under my Gryffindor house robes.
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- I will not speculate as to whether Professor Snape wears them under his robes, either.
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- Nor will I check to see for myself.
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I will not reset Hermione Granger's Time Turner to Daylight Savings Time.
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I am not to tell wizard-born first years that Muggles worship Cthulhu.
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- Nor that the Giant Squid is Cthulhu's love child.
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The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.
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I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
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No matter how vast the uses and entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape.
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-This goes double for superglue.
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I will not attempt to get away with anything Harry Potter and company gets away with. They're SPECIAL.
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I will not introduce Muggle water cannons to the school. Due to their excessive firepower, they violate the Weasley Arms Treaty of About Two Years Ago.
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I will not smuggle for Muggles.
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- Nor will I send magical equipment to Caltech or MIT in exchange for full tuition.
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I will not request "The Cha-Cha Slide" be played at the Yule Ball.
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-Likewise for the Chicken Dance, the Limbo, and/or the Macarena
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Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.
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Pokemon are not part of the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum.
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The average land speed of an unladen swallow is not relevant to my Arithmancy assignment.
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I shouldn't sing that Monty Python song about penises in front of Percy Weasley.
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-I shouldn't sing it in front of Fred or George Weasley either, but for different reasons.
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Professor Lupin's curriculum vitae does not include employment at anyplace named "Guilty Pleasures."
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-Or "Circus of the Damned," for that matter.
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-Nor does it include residence in St. Louis, MO.
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It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "once you go Black, you never go back."
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Adding the name "Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.
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The band at the Yule Ball does not know how to play "Freebird," and shouting at them will not change that.
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- The same applies to "Stairway to Heaven."
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Telling Luna Lovegood that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a documentary is an unkind thing to do.
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Not allowed to hire Aragog's children to spell out "Some Pig" in spider web over anyone's bed.
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- Not even Pansy Parkinson's.
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I will not claim that Professor McGonagall is a Bene Gesserit witch.
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I will not tell first years that "Moon Prism Power, MAKE UP!" is a basic Transfiguration spell.
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- Moon Tiara Magic is not a proper spell, either.
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My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.
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I must never sing "Bad Moon Rising" around Professor Lupin.
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-Or "Moondance."
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-And definitely not "Werewolves of London."
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There is NOT a market for 'girls gone wild: Hogsmeade weekend' DVDs.
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The Anarchist's cook book is not acceptable study material for Muggle Studies.
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I am not to reference the 'Dungeon Master Guide' in essay or research project.
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- Nor any other D&D book.
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- No, not even the Monster Manual.
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Under no circumstances am I to attempt to create a Holy Hand Grenade.
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Telling any member of the staff that you intend on becoming the next Dark Lord will not end well.
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"Weasley is Our King" is not the school song, and shouldn't be treated as such.
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Voldemort is not my homeboy.
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Shouting 'Amen!' at every pause in Dumbledore's beginning of the year speech is inappropriate.
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Hermione Granger is not having inappropriate relations with Professor Lupin, and I should quit implying that she is.
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Under no circumstances am I to refer to Professor Snape as a "bloodsucking, day-sleeping, turtle-hating, creepy-crawling, no-toilet-paper-buying,
inconsiderate bitch."
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-Even if I heard Professor Lupin address him as such.
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"Crucio" is not a good safe word.
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Magic Mouth is not a real spell, and even if it were it does not do what I think it does.
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Yes, the Great Hall is extremely large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.
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"Rolling a natural 20 on my Charisma check" does NOT entitle me to sleep with any of the Hogwarts professors.
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Pornographic films are not an accurate representation of Muggle life and it is wrong to tell my wizard-born they are.
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The Floo net is not for porn.
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Even if Fred and George Weasley did it, I am not allowed to run a business out of the dorms.
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-Especially an escort service.
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-Even if the teachers get a cut.
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-Even if the teachers get freebies.
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I will not attempt spells that have anything to do with genitalia.
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-It doesn't matter how bad the rash is.
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-No one is interested in how I got the rash.
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Adding "-us" to the end of a word does not make it a spell.
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-Neither does adding "izzle."
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I will stop sneaking out at night to look for Ents in the Forbidden Forest.
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I cannot be a Pokemon Animagus.
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I will not tell Crabbe and Goyle that if you say "banana" fast enough, it sounds like "gullible."
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-No matter how many times they believe it.
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I will not charm a potato to waltz up and down a aisle with me.
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-Especially if it is a produce aisle.
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Nobody from any of the Wheel of Time books belongs at Hogwarts. The very thought of Matrim Cauthon and the Weasley twins in the same room is enough to get
me banned from the library.
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I am not allowed to replace any section of the library with my Dungeons and Dragons sourcebooks.
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-Especially not the Book of Erotic Fantasy.
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-Even if the Book of Vile Darkness would be rather appropriate for Defense Against the Dark Arts classes.
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I will not spread rumors that Honeydukes carries Spice.
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The Potions classroom is not Kitchen Stadium.
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Professor McGonagall is not related to Clan Chattan, nor does she suffer from "the Curse of Mor Sine."
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The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
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Spiking the school's supply of pumpkin juice is not funny, no matter how much we enjoyed ourselves that night.
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I am not being repressed.
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It is still illegal even if I don't get caught.
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Asking Hagrid if he’s “big where it counts” is not only inappropriate but also results in much blushing.
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- With the exception that there actually is.
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-I am, under no circumstances, to put an untamed magical creature in my pants.
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-Same goes for telling him that I have a magical creature for him to tame… in my pants.
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I am no longer allowed to sing my “own personal spy music” when I wander around the hallways.
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Doing a strip-tease every time I change in my dormitory is not only distracting but vile.
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-Same goes for changing for Quidditch.
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-Or any time I remove clothing.
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-I am no longer allowed to remove clothing in the presence of others.
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Kicking people and then running away is a good way to get yourself hexed.
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Yelling “BOO!” at Professor Moody is not wise.
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Remarking “that’s what your mom said last night” to anything anyone else says was only marginally funny the first time.
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-It was never funny when said to Harry.
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-Sirius, however, finds it funny.
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There are no house cheerleaders and I am not one of them.
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Putting a Snitch in Malfoy's pants really isn't all that funny.
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-Even if it does make him scream like a girl.
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I am not allowed to use the Marauder's Map while playing Hide-and-Seek in the corridors, because that is cheating.
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-Actually, I'm not allowed to play Hide-and-Seek in the corridors.
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-Or in the classrooms.
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-Or in the Prefects' bathroom.
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-Or in Dumbledore's office.
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-I am not allowed to play Hide-and-Seek at all.
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I must not make fake pictures of Harry and Draco doing inappropriate things and post them around the school.
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-Mustn't use real ones, either.
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I must not try to work out the Galleon/pound sterling exchange rate by relying on the price of Quidditch Through the Ages.
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I am not allowed to pass my time by licking my wand suggestively.
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I will not refer to my wand as "my boom-stick".
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The sword of Gryffindor is not Andúril.
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Replying every question that Professor Lupin asks with, "Are you fucking Sirius?" is not funny, not even the first time.
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-Except when he answers, "Yes" before catching on.
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(-Bonus points if he blushes.)
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Speaking like Yoda, does not a happy Professor make.
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-Funny, it is not.
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I am not allowed to switch the Hogwarts Express with the Magic School Bus.
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-Even if it would be educational for the Hogwarts students.
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-Even if it would be educational for Ms. Frizzle's class, too.
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-No matter how closely related Ms. Frizzle is to the Weasleys.
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The Astronomy Tower is not the Dark Tower. Nor are any of the others.
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Jumping up on a table during dinner and singing "La Vie Boheme" is more likely to confuse my enemies than chase them out of the Great Hall. Besides, I
probably won't have anyone else join in, which takes some of the fun out of it.
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I cannot teach first years how to fly without a broom and I will give them their money back when they recover.
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“Special brownies” are frowned upon.
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-Even if the results are hilarious.
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-Especially if given to the staff.
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Yelling, “To infinity, and BEYOND!” was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.
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I should stop telling Professor Trelawney that I see "a half-naked man lying on a bed, enticing me with fresh nectars" in my crystal ball.
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-Even if it's true.
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The song "Helter Skelter" does not refer to Lord Voldemort in any way.
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Ozzy Osbourne is not really the Dark Lord.
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Getting my little brother to record his latest thrashcore masterpiece on a Howler so I can listen to it at Hogwarts is a good idea in theory, but not in concept.
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I cannot magically send LiveJournal updates through parchment.
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Emoticons are not Runes.
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I do not have a Pikachu Patronus, no matter how kickass that would be.
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No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them.
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Real wizards laugh at Gerald Gardner. I will not attempt to invoke his authority on anything.
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I cannot get credit in Ancient Runes for knowing BASIC, no matter how long it's been in use.
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The ducks are not my minions, no matter how much bread I feed them.
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-Same goes for the squirrels.
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I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.
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I will not attempt to create Happy Noodle Boy by animating a packet of ramen.
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Trying to make a Jhonen Vasquez comic into one of those nifty moving pictures is more disturbing than clever.
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I do not get any flying monkeys when I graduate.
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Ruby slippers do nothing unless specifically enchanted.
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I am not to proclaim in Divination class that Professor Flitwick will someday appear in a Travelocity.com advertising campaign.
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I will not rewrite the entire history of Alchemy by referring to the Philosopher's Stone as the "Sorcerer's Stone."
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Telling first years that Thor will come down on them with all his wrath if they don't obey my will does not make me Odin.
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I should not Transfigure all of Ron Weasley's Chocolate Frog cards into pornography.
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-Especially not pornography involving the people originally on the cards.
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Enchanting all brooms to hum "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" is very, very annoying.
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-Especially because I find it funny.
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Even if I should manage the spell to animate my luggage, I am not allowed to feed Mrs. Norris to it. Or any of the first year students.
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Legilimency and strip poker do not mix.
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I am not allowed to feed first years to the Giant Squid.
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I am not allowed to tell first years that Filch eats little children.
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-Nor am I to plant incriminating evidence in his office.
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I am not allowed to charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast.
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"The Spam Song" was not funny the first time. It wasn't funny the second time.
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I may not sell Professor Umbridge's blood quill to emo students.
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-Especially if they're no good at poetry.
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There is no wizard porn in the Restricted Section.
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-I am not allowed to put wizard porn in the Restricted Section.
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Hobbits do not exist.
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Changing my name to Mary-Sue does not guarantee me hook-up rights with anyone I please.
---
Kingsley Shacklebolt is not Lando Calrissian, Mace Windu, Barrett, Charlie Young, Sol, Vinny or Mean Joe Greene.
---
-Mr. Shacklebolt is allowed to hurt me if I refer to him as 'my nigga.'
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-Mr. Shacklebolt is allowed to hurt me whenever he pleases.
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I am not allowed to sing, whistle, or hum "Suicide is Painless" when I'm in the hospital wing.
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I am not allowed to quote Candide if someone has stuck their wand in the back of their pants and blown a buttock off.
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Just because it's not listed under the dress code rules doesn't mean it's not inappropriate.
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"Draco Malfoy Takes it Up The Arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.
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Every Muggle-born before me has quoted Macbeth in Potions class. It was never funny.
---
I am not allowed to imitate Percy Weasley as C-3PO.
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Every joke in the world has been made about wands.
---
-I do not earn house points if I come up with an original joke.
---
I should not insist for the Order to invest in Gundams to fight the Death Eaters.
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I will not refer to house elves as "self-disciplining submissives."
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If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts."
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I am not allowed to give out Strangling Scarves as Christmas presents.
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"Shpadoinkle" is not a spell.
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Snape's ingredient cabinet/closet is NOT filled with yummy candy, and I should stop telling the first years that it is
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I am not to make hundreds of Muggle inside jokes to witches and wizards who will not get them.
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Breaking the fourth wall is unacceptable behavior.
---
I am allowed a cat, a rat, a frog or an owl, not a Swamp Dragon.
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I am not allowed to use my broom to "squish" anything.
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Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say "NI".
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I cannot Impress a Hungarian Horntail.
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-Not even if I feed it till it sleeps.
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-Especially not if I feed it first years.
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I am not to Polyjuice myself into John de Lancie and Apparate into a Star Trek convention.
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I am not a Jedi Master, a Pokemon Master, a Shaolin Master, or a Master of the Obvious.
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Buying a wand from Lovecraft or Good Vibrations and attempting to use it for class work is in poor taste.
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I am not to suggest to Professor Trelawney that we do strip tarot readings.
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-Even if my Divination partner is a fit Quidditch bloke.
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-I am also not to convince first years that tarot can only be read in this manner.
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-Especially if I have tampered with the deck.
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I am not allowed to wear all my housemates robes at the same time.
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-Especially not if I insist on going commando.
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I do not have a 'Stone of Recall' that will get me out of any situation.
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-That includes detention.
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This entry was originally posted here at my DW journal. You can comment here or there. :)

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