[ other ] lite brite

Stargate Atlantis, Superhero and Pulpit Skippy Lists

Note: it's been a decade, give or take, since I last read these and I haven't read them this time around. I'm just posting them here so I can send the link to someone else, though I hope you, dear reader, enjoy them too. (I'll reread them myself one of these days.)

Stargate Skippy List

The first ** are from ArwenLune here.

1. Command sympathises with the urge to look for a coffee substitute, but no possible alternative may be tried before it has been thoroughly analysed by both Botany and Dr Beckett.

2. The desalination basin is not a pool.

3. It is not acceptable to mock German accents when speaking about or with the Genii. Atlantis is an international community and all our members should feel welcome here.

4. The Atlantis LARP society is strictly prohibited from running scenarios without notifying the control room and in any space not clearly marked with 'Live Action Role Play in Progress' signs and regular audio announcements.

5. A team rendition of 'I Just Called To Say I Love You' is not an adequate substitute for an IDC code.

6. Requisition forms are for requesting necessary items such as uniforms, boots, computers and technical equipment. Emails home are for requesting items such as aloha shirts, Fig Newtons, jumping stilts, Gameboys and haggis.

7. Stated mission goals have never, and will not, include 'being able to end a mission report with 'and then they made me their chief'.

8. When entertaining refugees, please limit yourself to the list of movies that has been compiled by Anthropology. Invasion of the Body Snatchers is not a suitable movie.

9. While command appreciates that night shifts can be boring and that using the labelmaker is mildly addictive, it is not in fact necessary to label the Stargate.

10. The publication of the new Harry Potter book is not an acceptable reason to miss duty.

11. The list on Dr Weir's office door shows the lending order for the two copies of the book. Please read fast. Personnel on opposing shifts may negotiate a timeshare arrangement.

12. The expedition's video equipment is not to be used to film pranks, humorous re-enactments of mission events, or other unofficial use. Personal video cameras may be used to such film material, and Command encourages its submission to Col. Sheppard for the highlight reel at the Christmas party.

13. 'An approach in accordance with pioneering gate travel techniques as set out by SG1' still means 'improvisation'. Improvisation is not an acceptable mission plan.

14. In official reports, the terms 'C4' and 'explosives' are sufficient. 'Lt Cadman employed C4 to open the door' rather than 'Lt Cadman caused a +10 Big Boom of Awesome'

Things Lt. ‘Skippy’ Virtue is not allowed to do

While wearing the Spandex

Captain Integrity survived a complicated nuclear/biochemical/gravity wave/mystical amulet accident years ago, gained superpowers, and set to enhance the rule of Law on Earth. He banded together a number of superheroes into the Integrity Corps, to protect the innocent, to harbor the weak, and to rescue the threatened (and to vote Republican). They have since saved the country, the planet, and All Life in the Galaxy more than once. His dedication, skills, and inventiveness in the use of his and others’ superpowers have been an inspiration to several generations.

Lieutenant Virtue, however, serves in the Integrity Corps more on the reputation of his father than on personal merit. Several times, Blake Blakerson (Captain Integrity’s secret identity) has had to counsel his son, Skippy, on small behavioral errors made while aiding the Corps’ efforts. The bulk of those counseling sessions is provided here, in the hopes that other heroes and heroines may benefit from Skippy’s experiences.</center>

  1. Am not allowed to purchase whoopee cushions and say the other superheroes farted again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.
  2. Arming the defense system with a molecular deatomizer and with nuclear ray guns when door to door evangelicals approach: BAD IDEA
  3. Bringing people with a time machine from the Stone Age and arming them with guns is something a supervillain would do.
  4. Can’t use Army units as practice-bots.
  5. Cannot fuse Steel man and Armor man together with heat vision.
  6. Cannot reenact medieval times where I rule in danger room even though it is fun.
  7. Cannot release ‘Snap, Crackle, Mutate’ breakfast cereal with the Integrity Corps logo.
  8. Cannot take people out of the insane asylum just because I am looking for a fight..
  9. Cannot tell the insurance company that health physicals rob me of my superpowers.
  10. Cannot use the transporter to create unholy super creature
  11. Cannot violate the Rules of Engagement just ‘cause he started it.’
  12. Cape surfaces are not to be made available to advertising companies.
  13. Defeating evil is more important than assuming a dramatic, but tactically stupid, pose for the cameras.
  14. ’Free donuts on Thursday’ is not a way to attract children to the Integrity Corps
  15. Frozen hardened malted milk balls are not weapons
  16. Girl scouts are not to be added to the Headquarters threat matrix.
  17. Guns are not the only way to solve things.
  18. Heroes try to subdue; villains try to kill. Write this down.
  19. I am not invulnerable to Pop Rocks and Coke.
  20. ‘I wanted to see what would happen’ is not an excuse for routing Trick-or-treaters to the Danger Room.
  21. ‘I was bored’ is not an excuse for anything involving a time machine, a sidekick and the Age of Dinosaurs.
  22. I can’t arm the defense system with rabid living care bears.
  23. I can’t join the dark side even though there are free doughnuts and dental plans.
  24. I cannot make robots of super villains and say they penetrated the base and are attacking the fridge full of Coke even if I am paid 100,000,000,000.
  25. I cant go back in time and make a superhero my sidekick
  26. I cant rewrite danger room computer programs to make the simulation easier to people who say “Skippy rules.”
  27. I should stop teaching kids to mind meld.
  28. I should stop telling kids that Mighty Mouse is my other hero identity.
  29. I shouldn’t make swiss cheese with an automatic rifle. Especially while it’s still in the supermarket fridge.
  30. Innocent bystanders are not to be used as shields.
  31. It is wrong to attract sidekicks by asking “want some superpowers little girl?”
  32. Making objects animate to be your slaves is not good , they will eventually rebel against you.
  33. Must not refer to the populace as ‘puny humans.’ Especially while in my Secret Identity.
  34. Must not set the training room to Half-Off Sale at Filene’s. Someone could get seriously hurt.
  35. Must not summon Cerebus to help subdue supervilliains, as he will also eat me.
  36. Must not tie up traffic by use of heat vision, freeze rays or a pavement-stressing combination of the two.
  37. Must not use sidekicks as collateral on Poker Night.
  38. If I do lose a sidekick on Poker Night, not to try to mutate a superchimp to replace him.
  39. Mustn’t bribe the Army.
  40. “My evil clone did it” isn’t an excuse when my DNA prevents cloning.
  41. No matter what Elvira offers, I cannot join the side of darkness.
  42. No one cares WHY my frat house is on the moon; they just expect me to bring it back.
  43. ‘Not the face’ is not a battle cry.
  44. Nor is ‘not the groinal area.’
  45. No one is the absolute ruler of America, and I should not proclaim myself as such.
  46. Not allowed give the police Arachnid guy’s secret identity when they ask for a descripition.
  47. Not allowed to fight evil while drunk.
  48. Also, not allowed to fight evil naked.
  49. And, historically, my choice to fight evil with a hangover has been proven to be sub-optimal.
  50. Not allowed to give powers to children and in the middle of flight, take them away.
  51. Not allowed to imitate James Bond and go have smooches with the villains assistant after every mission
  52. Or with my cute ally
  53. Not allowed to take time off from Corps duties in quest of the perfect Margarita.
  54. Not allowed to use Doctor Chaos’ quantum chamber to age wine, cheese, or jailbait.
  55. Not allowed to watch ‘Chucky’ movies on duty, as you turn on all the lights at HQ and keep waking up Power Pal to ask if he heard something.
  56. Not to add nuclear capability to the TV remote.
  57. Not to fly down and buzz people on the way to work.
  58. Product placement is for movies, not fights against super-villains with press coverage.
  59. reading from the Necronomacon to stop a pickpocket is like smothering a fire by bringing down the moon
  60. Sidekicks are not to be bought, sold or traded…especially if they are not my sidekick.
  61. Skippy may rhyme with trippy, but that’s no reason to experiment with LSD.
  62. Slapping new sidekicks and heroes upside the head is not allowed…if there’s anybody watching.
  63. The Corps MasterCard is to be used for reconstruction and emergency purchases, not pizza delivery to the scene of a crime.
  64. The Danger Room is not a holodeck, nor should I spend valuable training time ruling the virtual kingdom of Skipveria.
  65. The Gamma Chamber at Corps Headquarters is to be used to recharge Professor Radium, not as a walk-in microwave oven.
  66. The less said about the ‘velociraptor incident,’ the better.
  67. The Neutral Zone does not exist and I should stop threatening to send children there.
  68. The president does exist, I should stop telling kids he doesn`t.
  69. ‘The red phone’ is used ONLY for emergencies,not crank calls.
  70. There are such things as innocent bystanders.
  71. They don’t care if Mighty Mammoth made faces at me; I should not have tied his trunk in a knot.
  72. T-Rex is a poor choice for a mount in populated areas.
  73. Tying String Man in a knot is not advised. Using him to wrap parcels is right out.
  74. Upon discovering the secret lair, we should call the cops before raiding the bad guys' fridge.
  75. Using a mirror to blind the guy that stays in shadows is not good.
  76. Using daddy’s authority to boss heroes around is not good. He knows where I sleep
  77. Using daddy’s ID to get beer: BAD IDEA.
  78. While the world may need vending machines with artificial intelligence, they do not need such devices to employ lethal security measures.

    Update, December 2004
  79. The ability to lift an ambulance does not make me a paramedic.
  80. it is wrong to interrupt Eulogies with reports that your superpower (x-ray vision, super hearing, smell, sonar, etc) examination of the coffin indicates that the deceased is still dead.
  81. No one is interested in what material my underwear is made out of.
  82. The phrase ‘in a blaze of glory’ should be used at funerals and press conferences, not planning sessions.
  83. superhero volunteer vigilante adventurers cannot file work complaints with OSHA.
  84. This is a fight to apprehend criminals. You can’t ask ‘the ref’ for a decision on another fighter’s actions.
  85. Turn off the propeller on your hat.
  86. When they say "over my dead body" i should assume it's hyperbole until proven to be literal, not the other way around.
  87. When they want you to sign a contract in blood, they’re probably not good guys.
  88. Wrong to tell Warp Woman she has exceeded her daily limit on whining.
  89. Not allowed to paint ‘I’m with stupid’ on the windshield of the Integrity Car.
  90. Not to put a ‘no radio’ sign in the window.
  91. Xylophone music is not required in order to fight the skeleton army of Corporal Doom!
  92. Yes, there really are such things as innocent bystanders.
  93. Knowing how to burp fire and NEEDING to burp fire are two different things.
  94. And now we know, it’s not always the red wire, is it?
  95. Don’t hit a man with glasses, even to prove a point.
  96. Never stare at the bomb in jawdropping shock. It eats up valuable running time.
  97. No longer allowed to quote Matlock, Jessica Fletcher, Scooby Doo or Spaceman Spiff at crime scenes.
  98. Not allowed to flood the subway tunnel to put out the fire.
  99. Of course Toyman’s weapon ‘looked like a toy.’ Everything Toyman makes looks like a freaking toy!
  100. Real men certainly do set for stun.
  101. Stop referring to the auxiliary units as ‘redshirts.’
  102. Stop telling The Avenging Amazon that violence is not the answer. It’s her only answer.
  103. We don't negotiate with terrorists. Neither do we play a hand of blackjack, betting getaway vehicles against their hostages.
  104. What’s with the ‘saved the world and all I got was lousy t-shirt?’
  105. Not allowed to tease Hair Woman.
  106. Not allowed to bait the Trout Team.
  107. Not allowed to steam Captain Flame.
  108. Aftershave is not to be applied with a flame thrower.
  109. Flatulence is not a super power, no matter what decibel level is achieved.
  110. In the future the words ‘shoulder mounted’ and ‘nuclear’ are not to be used together in the description of any crimefighting gear.
  111. Not allowed to copyright witty quips made in combat.
  112. Not allowed to rush onstage and save the girl from the Rat King…that’s the Nutcracker’s job.
  113. Not allowed to write ‘Superior Example of Humanity’ on any form containing the words: Work History; Previous Employment; Educational Background or Business Loan Application.
  114. Radium Girl is not to be used as a reading lamp.
  115. They’re IVY league schools…stop telling Team Elephant that Harvard is smuggling ivory.
  116. Not allowed to order an Illudium Q36 Space Modulator from supply.

    Update: April 2005:

  117. Not allowed to rag on The Superior Scarecrow.
  118. Not allowed to badger The Deep Burrower.
  119. Not allowed to spur NightHorse on.
  120. Not allowed to get on Blue Neuromancer’s last nerve.
  121. Not allowed to inconvenience the 7-11 Kid.
  122. Not allowed to jerk The Jamaican Chicken around.
  123. Not allowed to fret the Guitar Brothers.
  124. Not allowed to pull The Colossal Caterpillar's leg. Legs.
  125. Anyone know why the Integrity Car was on ‘Pimp My Ride?’ And how?
  126. Nasty Girl is not a superhero, nor on Super Probation, and cannot be allowed into Integrity Headquarters.
  127. Not allowed to check Doctor Chess.

    The Bank Street area has been a difficult neighborhood for The Church for some years. Getting persons to live and work there had proven almost impossible, with ministers lasting anywhere from three days to ‘a month and a half not counting therapy.’ Finally, The Church found their solution in Reverend Smitherson (‘Skippy’ to friends and congregation alike). While ‘Skippy’ is more than willing to face the difficulties of the neighborhood and populace, he’s been less willing to behave in a manner the church council feels appropriate to the office. So, while they never have been pushed to the point of firing him, it has become a regular event for someone to take the Rev aside and provide specific instructions for his behavior. Skippy has kept a running log of these instructions and provides it here, in the hopes that ministers of all denominations may someday benefit from the improvements offered.

    1. Aftershave is not to be applied with a putty knife.
    2. Black helicopters are not hovering over the Nursery.
    3. Can’t comment on how sexy the organist looks today.
    4. Church Officers should not use the phrase ‘from hell’ as a compliment, such as ‘That was the guest sermon from hell, wasn’t it!’
    5. Delivering a sermon in mime: bad idea.
    6. Do not quote Sun Tzu as if reading from scripture.
    7. Everyone is comfortable with the 10 commandments. My skill with binary does not make it easier for anyone in the congregation to like the 1010 Commandments.
    8. For the last time, the Baby Jesus light in the nativity should not be a Black Light.
    9. No one cares how cool the Mary figure looks under Black Lighting.
    10. Genesis says the sun and moon were made ‘for signs and portents’. Not the stars. Stop padding the sermon with horoscopes.
    11. Get down off the altar.
    12. Go outside until the sparklers burn out.
    13. I am not qualified to diagnose psychological problems, and ‘shallow gene pool’ is not a diagnosis anyway.
    14. I cannot spike the bible after a successful sermon.

    15. If I cannot remove the ‘Human Head’ warning label from the cooler, I should not bring it to the picnics.

    16. Iniquity is not best fought by infiltration.
    17. It is possible to consume too much coffee before delivering a sermon.
    18. It is wrong to alter the shape of the ‘We’re Number One’ foam hand into a cross for use at press conferences.
    19. It is wrong to compare scenes from Job to the latest ‘James Bond’ movie.
    20. Jehovah’s Witnesses are not ‘our nemesis’ and we need not knock on their doors ‘to get some back.’
    21. Maniacal laughter is not ‘perfect stress relief’ during funerals.

    22. Must not take collections for the ‘Tomb Of The Unknown Moron' every time the Deacon is more than a minute overdue.

    23. Must stop padding the sermons with ‘You might be a redneck if…’
    24. Must stop saying ‘noted’ when people point out errors in my sermons.
    25. Must stop trying to get the choir members to take loyalty oaths.

    26. Especially not the ‘Tomahawk Chop.’ The congregation are not Braves fans.
    27. No hymn is improved by belching any part of it.
    28. No Mosh Pit, smoke machine, or fog lights.
    29. And no whining about it not being ‘show biz’ anymore.
    30. No one cares how many men went into the bar, nor their professional positions within the hierarchy of their respective religious traditions.
    31. No one is interested in what material my underwear is made out of.
    32. No one needs to hear what Moses’ AD&D stats would have been.
    33. No one wants to hear me go on about what they do to you in the drive-through.
    34. No one wants to help me look for my invisible friend.
    35. No ritual sacrifices...
    36. ...even if they make a pleasing odor to the Lord...
    37. ...even if you do them in the parking lot.
    38. None of the commandments include the comment ‘Too Stupid to Live.’
    39. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question about the bake sale.
    40. Not allowed to ask the Greeter where Beavis is.
    41. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to 'The Vulgar' in fund raiser themes.

    42. Not allowed to crucify the Easter Bunny to teach the children that all pagan symbols have died.
    43. Not allowed to eat chili within 8 hours of a funeral service.
    44. Not allowed to grant asylum to prostitutes.

    45. Not allowed to refer to the church cat as my familiar.
    46. Not allowed to replace Chick Tracts with brochures from the travel agency.
    47. Not allowed to shoot rubber bands when everyone bows their heads for prayer.
    48. Not allowed to snort Helium before quoting Jesus.
    49. Not allowed to tell children God has a Noogie Patrol.

    50. Nothing in the Tarot Deck is useful in spiritual counseling.
    51. Pop quizes to find out ‘who was really listening’ are not necessary.

    52. Riding crops are not to be used in directing the choir or marriage counseling. Except the McSweeny’s of course.
    53. Speaking in Pig-Latin will not confuse Satan’s spies.
    54. Suicide counseling never involves Heavy Metal lyrics.
    55. The Articles of Faith do not include the phrase ‘in a blaze of glory.’

    56. The Inspector General has not authorized me to enter any and all spaces without let or hindrance as a means of stamping out heresy so I should avoid the girls locker room.
    57. The Prime Directive is from Star Trek, not Leviticus.
    58. The pulpit is not to be wired for ESPN, The Spice Channel or The Cartoon Network.

    59. The story of the Resurrection does not end with ‘…saw his shadow, went back in the cave, and we have six more weeks of winter.’

    60. The voices in my head are not ‘in a position to know.’
    61. The wages of sin are NOT ‘heaps and heaps of slightly smelly cash.’

    62. There is no reason to carry a Super Soaker® during services.

    63. Turn off the propeller on your hat.
    64. Valhalla is not the final destination of those that die owing more than a million bucks to creditors.
    65. Verses about Adam and Eve discovering the shame of nudity are not made more clear by having the choir strip.
    66. We do not end eulogies by saying ‘Nuff said.’
    67. We do not ask the deceased ‘Whassup?’
    68. We do not touch the little cups and offer a toast before partaking of communion.

      Update: 28 May 2004, from the good (and evil) people at The Skeptics Annotated Bible Discussion Board. Contributions can be submitted there.

    69. Communion wine should not be served in "trick" paper cups.
    70. "Goddamnit" is not, and never will be, a proper opening prayer.
    71. "The Rapture" is a cosmo-theological event, not a description of my weekend in Vegas.
    72. It is a 'baptismal fountain' not a 'bidet'!
    73. No Yiddish in the sermons.
    74. God is sometimes compared to light. This does not mean that Jesus can be ‘set for stun.’
    75. Stories of atheists being ‘saved’ are consistent crowdpleasers. Just start from ‘I Was An Atheist until one day…,’ not from ‘I started questioning my faith when…’
    76. Full immersion baptism does not imply the use of seltzer bottles or fire hoses.
    77. I must not interrupt scripture readings to ask ‘Was he making this stuff up as he went along?’
    78. Must not refer to prayer as ‘Opening Hallelujah-ing Frequencies.’
    79. Not allowed to tell the groom he gets a 15 minute head start.
    80. The traditional wedding vows do not include the words 'in a blaze of glory.'
    81. It is wrong to tell the bride that in light of recent court decisions, she has the option of eschanging vows with the groom or a bridesmaid.
    82. It is so my fault.

      Update: June 2004

    83. Concerning the 'Guest Sermon Of The Month Program:

      ----Representatives of our and other Christian Denominations: Good

      ----Representatives of Montheistic Traditions sharing more than a few litany sources with the Christian Faith: Interesting

      ----Representatives of Satanism, Buddhism, Shinto, that guy with the sword, 'Street Preachers,' anyone ordained over the Internet, anyone that's been on News of The Weird, the 'atheist chaplain' from the hippie commune: Bad.
    84. If I must develop a sermon idea from a TV show, perhaps a Monday or Tuesday night show would indicate something less last minute and slap dash than "Didja' see who was hosting Saturday Night Live last night?'
    85. There is no such thing as a Two-By-Four of Penance, and it is wrong to hit the sinners with it.
    86. Must not deliver sermons from back to front.
    87. My job description is not to ‘winnow out the weak.’
    88. Not allowed to answer questions with "You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth!!!"
    89. Not allowed to initiate crises so I can feel needed.

      Update: 12 July 2004:

    90. The ‘Chipmunk Song’ is to be used in moderation, especially when I have access to Helium.
    91. Not allowed to use the Kama Sutra as a reference
    92. Not to sing sea shanties with words I can neither define nor spell.

      Update: 4 November, 2004

    93. Not to say ‘so mote it be’ at the end of any question my parishoners ask.
    94. Not to pick up the Bishop’s letter opener and say ‘Cool, you have an athame, too?’
    95. I do not have the authority to send other people’s kids to military school, no matter what they did.
    96. Not to imply there is a ‘code’ in the hymn selection.
    97. Not to organize memorial services following the death of a parishoner’s: goldfish, hamster, imaginary playmate or batteries.
    98. My purpose on Earth is not to ‘freak out the straights.’
    99. Not to organize teens into teams for ‘stupid testosterone tricks.’
    100. Not to exacerbate my congregation's ongoing feelings of nameless dread.

      Update: 5 Nov 2004:

    101. No longer allowed to answer rhetorical questions, even if there really is an answer.
    102. The caber toss may well be something from my ethnic heritage, but care should be taken in the throwing of telephone poles in public spaces.
    103. If you must refer to Europeans, it’s not pronounced ‘you’re a peein’.’
    104. Not to announce that we are engaged in the support of SDI testing and throw coconuts into crowds.
    105. Not allowed to excuse my tardiness due to ‘prevailing headwinds’ in the hallway.
    106. Not allowed to give awards to the best and worst missed-church excuses of the week.
    107. Not to refer all questions to ‘the nearest ornithologist.’

      Update, 18 November 2004
    108. Not allowed to leave in response to the ‘bat signal,’ no matter what dastardly danger threatens fair Gotham.
    109. …and take that costume off.
    110. Not allowed to hire mariachi bands to play outside the window.
    111. I don’t care what you ate, gastrointestinal problems do not constitute a fire hazard.
    112. It is wrong to hang choir members in effigy.

      Update: 27 November, 2004:
    113. The fact that it was funny when Ernie Kovacs did it does not mean I can include it in my presentation.
    114. It is wrong to attempt to achieve immortality through monumental stupidity.
    115. Don’t hand out gauze and medical tape at the door ‘in case of an outbreak of stigmata.’
    116. It is wrong to use the hold button when dealing with a suicide call.
    117. Stop shouting ‘containment breach’ when someone farts.

      Update, December 04
    118. The pulpit is not the ideal support for product placement.
    119. The ‘Ten Commandments’ are well understood by everyone. Sermons on the 613 Commandments in the Old Testament just confuses the parishoners.
    120. Just because the courts say I can, doesn’t mean I should. Or must. Or have a divine mandate.
    121. The phrase ‘Golf is like sex, you perform better wearing cleats’ is not to be spoken in this building ever again.
    122. Stop telling the professional wrestlers that bloodlust is a sacrament.
    123. It is wrong to delay Easter Service because you’re sorting M&M’s from your Easter Basket by color.
    124. Wrong to tell parishioners that flesh-eating bacteria was released in our bathrooms, while the cure is only available to those who tithe 15%.

      Update January, 2005

    125. A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt, long enough to cover the essentials and short enough to keep interest. Yours are more like a wonderbra…attention getting, but mostly built up on false pretenses.
    126. Not allowed to compare the Bishop’s sermons to an eye patch (more for looks than for any usefulness, and limits perception).
    127. Not allowed to hand out lightning rods to parishoners I thnk are at greater risk during the prayer.
    128. Not allowed to spread itching powder in the back pews even if I’m trying to promote use of the front ones.
    129. The three biggest sacraments are not “when they’re hatched, when they’re matched and when they’re finally dispatched.”
    130. Not allowed to operate a ‘seminary by mail’ course out of the church.
    131. Not allowed to put a tip jar at the door.
    132. Not allowed to charge the government for a ‘faith based’ antismoking campaign that only changes member’s cigarrette addiction to chewing tobacco.
    133. Not allowed to use sermons that are basically hamfisted rewrites of old ‘Kung Fu’ episodes.
    134. It is wrong to drive RC tanks around the pews while the choir sings.
    135. It is, somehow, MORE wrong to keep playing with the remote, making ‘vroom-vroom’ noises, after they have taken away my tank.
    136. I should own up to mistakes. I cannot invoke the 5th amendment when they ask ‘where is THAT in the Bible?’
    137. …nor can I refuse to answer, saying I am ‘protecting my source.’
    138. It is undesirable to write a sermon while watching CSI, asserting that “Every believer is a murderer. We all played a part in putting Jesus to death. Our sin.” and concluding that we should all turn ourselves in for conspiracy after the fact.

      Update March, 2005

    139. Revelation 3:2 does not indicate that we should get inebriated at the funeral of a loved one. It says 'keep awake,' not 'Keep A Wake.'
    140. Moses wrote the book Numbers, that does not make him the first math geek.
    141. The miraculous fish catches in Luke 5 and John 21 can provide a number of lessons for the congregation. None of them include speculation on what type of bait the Lord was using that day.
    142. Not allowed to use ‘Thunderbird’ for communion wine.
    143. Wrong to refer to Baptism as ‘a good god glug’ no matter how snappy it sounds.
    144. Not to use Gary Larson cartoons as representative of actual conditions in Hell.
    145. It is wrong to tell children that my collar "kills fleas and ticks for up to 5 months."
    146. Despite the age and popularity of the joke, not allowed to baptize vermin in hopes of keeping them out of the church all year, except for Christmas and Easter.
    147. Not allowed to close a sermon with offers of free coffee ("...so you're all awake for the drive home.")
    148. April First occurs on Sunday, on average, once every six years. This is way too often to indulge my sense of humor in the writing of a 'Fool's Day' sermon.
    149. I must apologize to all the balding men in the congregation for the topic of my April 1st sermon.

      The following denominations and religious organizations are NOT candidates for our ‘sister church’ program: (note to the reader, I did not make any of these up. They are either on the internet, or referred to in someone’s ‘cult’ literature. The sincerity or clarity of each is left to the seeker....although i will say that the guy that feels the song "American Pie" was predicted in Deuteronomy is frightningly sincere, while the Second Church of Shaternology...isn't as much.)
    150. Atheists for Jesus
    151. Aesthetic Realism Foundation
    152. American Pie and the Armageddon Bible Prophecy Home Page (1. The pop song American Pie, which prophesies the destruction of America, was foretold in the Song of Moses in Deuteronomy 32)
    153. Armageddon Time Ark Base Operation
    154. Association for Past-Life Research and Therapies
    155. Bible UFO Connection (UFO related)
    156. Center for Alternate Realities
    157. Church of Evolution
    158. Church of God Anonymous
    159. Church of the Apathetic Agnostic
    160. Church of Virus
    161. First Church of Jesus Christ, Elvis
    162. First Church of PacMan
    163. First Demonic Church
    164. Fluids for Christ
    165. God Saves the Earth Flying Saucer Foundation (UFO related)
    166. Great White Brotherhood (UFO related)
    167. Institute for Bio-Spiritual Research
    168. International Assembly of Wizards
    169. Jedi (The Force)
    170. Jesus of Borg
    171. Jews for Jesus
    172. John F. Kennedy Worshippers
    173. Jugglers Against Oppression (Homophobes, racists, sexists, ableists, classists, ageists, and gender oppressionists - watch out! The JUGGLERS are coming...)
    174. Luciferian Liberation Front
    175. Nudist Christian Church of the Blessed Virgin Jesus
    176. Peyote Way Church of God
    177. Second National Church of Shatnerology
    178. Spirit Electronic ommunication Society
    179. Temple of the Psychedelic Light and the Church of the Realized Fantasy
    180. The First Satanglican Church of Wendall Corners (Satanism like Grandpa used to make...)
    181. The Saint John Coltrane African Orthodox Church.
    182. Twighlight Crossing: Hecatean Theurgical group
    183. Universal Life Church of The Seven African Powers
    184. Womyn Healing
    185. Zen Atheism
    186. Zodian New Age

      Sunday School lesson topics I can no longer use:
    187. Carpentry Jargon: Why dad says those funny words every time he uses a hammer
    188. Christian Rock Music: Satan’s Oxymoron
    189. Christmas: Why the church outlawed it as a pagan practice until adopting it and telling everyone it’s Christian
    190. Heresology: Five thumbrules for determining how hell-bent your friend’s religion is.
    191. Marriage: Why the church outlawed it as a pagan practice until adopting it and telling everyone it’s Christian
    192. The Shroud of Turin…and the 25 other ‘authentic’ burial shrouds of Christ
    193. Witnessing: why there’s no such thing as an unfair advantage.
    194. Sexual Perversion: Tab “A” fits in Slot “A.” Anything else is Sodomy.
    195. Chick Tracts: God’s hate-filled coloring books

      Update, January, 2005
    196. Duke University Medical Center’s MANTRA study on the effectiveness of prayer on the recovery of angioplasty patients
    197. 1 Samuel 15:3, God's Family Values
    198. Hosea 9:14-16, God & Abortion
    199. Early Christianity: Throwing pagans to the lions to 'get some back'

      Not allowed to direct the congregation to pray and/or fast in aid of:
    200. Army beating Navy
    201. Political movements in violation of our 501(c)(3) status.
    202. Yamulke in the third
    203. Cardinal Law’s Legal Defense
    204. Cardinal Law’s Prosecutor
    205. ‘something worth eating’ at the next church supper
    206. a less stultifying bishop’s appeal
    207. more cleavage on ‘Seventh Heaven’

      Not allowed to excommunicate people just because they:
    208. pronounce "sin" with two (or more) syllables.
    209. talk to people in King James English.
    210. argue that bar codes are satanic.
    211. carry a chart of the occultist symbols on the dollar bill.
    212. say Amen more than once an hour.
    213. maintain that evolution, money, television or pornography are religions.

      This entry was originally posted here at my DW journal. You can comment here or there. :)

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